This is very difficult for me to talk about to this day but knowing that this monster can affect the ones close to you at anytime has affected me even more than I thought it would. In the military, we were constantly training on suicide prevention. I mean it was classes after classes, presentations, role-playing and even the entire base would shut down. I’ve always ask myself when will this end? Or how can they make it less boring? This was only because I’ve never thought that the issues I myself was battling would take over the way I felt about life and the ones around me.
For years I was battling abandonment, loneliness, depression and anxiety. No one knew this because I hid it well. Then it got worst. When I found out we couldn’t get pregnant it crushed me. Not even my husband could help me. Waking up each day wondering why are you even alive and feeling like you didn’t matter to anyone is unexplainable to me now. I thought about suicide many times but not at my hands. I wanted someone to take me out of this world. While driving to work, home or just to the store, I would hope that someone would hit me and I would just die. I was always angry or mean. I thought about the same thing over and over. It drove me insane.
I was too ashamed to seek help because I didn’t think anyone or anything could but at this point I knew I really needed help. I was in counseling and took medication. After a while even my husband saw a huge improvement. In the end I was overall diagnosed with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression and anxiety disorder. I still struggle with some things but I have a new outcome on life and what matters most to me. As I share this I think of all those years that I was in pain. The nights I would cry myself to sleep or just walking around the house crying. My husband and I were meant to be because without him coming into my life, I may not have made it through.
On that note, as you go through your day just be aware of those around you. Don’t be afraid to smile or ask someone how’re they doing because that gesture or those words may just be the ones to save a person’s life. If you think a family member or friend is depressed or doing things that seems out of their normal routine, ask them if they’re thinking of suicide? You may just break that ice and they may just break down and confide in you. We are all someone’s child and every life matters.